What I am Thankful For

I wanted to post a comment I made on someone's site. I don't usually do that, but it is for you all:

I don't know how involved you were with your last blog, your writing looks familiar, though. If you don't know of the wonderful people out in "blogland", please visit any of the links on my site. We all have different religions, political views, and social status, but you will never find anywhere a more caring, comforting network of people, who all know how you feel. We haven't all been in the same place in our illnesses, some more sick than others, but we all know how it feels to be completely alone in a room full of people who love us, to have no one understand, p-docs and therapists who give advice that we could never possibly take, responsibility overwhelming us to the point of almost drowning. I've never cared so much for people I've never met, had so much encouragement, even when I'm away for months, or learned so much that I am not my illness. That was my biggest struggle, I couldn't possibly see that Bipolar Disorder wasn't me, I had no personality other than what my illness dictates. But I have grown, and I could not have done it without the help of everyone online. I owe more to everyone here than any familymember, friend, doctor or therapist. I've gone to church my entire life and I've never met more accepting, encouraging people. Most important, sometimes, knowing that you have to be there to encourage them is the only thing that gets you thru the day.

I will come back and check on you - good luck!

I don't think I realized how much I've learned about myself, how to care for other people, or how much you have all helped me in the past two and half years, until I posted this comment. I'm sure part of my growth was the loss of mom, but having people checking on me even when I haven't posted in six months or more, I can't explain how awesome that feels. We are all so different, but linked by these dreadful, sometimes dibilitating diseases. Some of you are so intelligent that I look like a moron when I post, but you don't care. Some are poor, some are not, some with loving families, some not so much. Even when I'm so low that I can't post, I can still go to your blogs, still get your emails. It sounds so stupid, but blogland has been such a blessing, and may have saved my life. You guys are awesome! I don't get online much because we are reduced to DIAL-UP, but I think about you all often.

Thanksgiving was hard without my mom. J has been unusually cheery for the past week, came to my family's for Thanksgiving and completely rearranged the house and decorated for Christmas. He is finally working - thank God! Although, I think I would rather work and let him be the housewife, and I think it would have worked if I didn't tell him that. I guess young men in their 20's don't like being called a housewife - go figure.

The piglets are good. They are getting along great and seemed to have matured since my mom passed. Little pig is doing great in school. Bigger one is not doing great, but he's trying more. Both are really active in church now and loving it, I'm very thankful for that. I still have nightmares about my mom's death every night. More like the dying part.

I don't know why it didn't occur to me before, but I was thinking about my dad, and I had assumed he felt the same I did because it is the same person we are missing. But, growing up, we pretty much expect to outlive our parents. We hope they will will longer than 52, but in the back of our minds we know that we will someday be without them. This was his wife. He expected to grow old with her. He's planned to watch my kids graduate and get married and hopefully see their children. He never expected to do that without her. I remember when I was first married I would never let the thought of losing my husband enter my mind, it was too terrifying.

Since my mom died, taking care of my dad, J, and the piglets, on top of my responsibilities at work growing daily, and trying to find time for myself even to get to church, has been so overwhelming. I've felt so sorry for myself to the point of pushing everyone away. But realizing this on Thanksgiving, and watching my aunt cook dinner & trying to make everything nice for everyone but wishing her sister were there for her, I realized that we don't all feel the same. I am young and I still have my kids to watch grow, maybe J and I will get married some day. My dad feels totally alone. My aunt has lost a sister and brother, as well as her parents. I guess I don't feel so sorry for myself anymore.

I knew it!

I understand the geek part, but I don't like video games! Did you notice "redneck" is number two? THAT I get!

What type of person do you attract? Your Result: You attract geeks! Your stunning intellect and love of sci-fi and video games allures the geeks like nothing else. Maybe it is the sparkle in your eye that makes them want to text you, who knows. Geeks make good partners, but tend to be arguementative. If you are a TRUE geek magnet, you will know if that was spelled correctly, and actually care. If it is a bad-boy/bad-girl you are seeking, you are barking up the wrong tree, unless they are just 'bad' behind a PS2 console.
You attract rednecks!
You attract Yuppies!
You attract unstable people!
You attract artsy people!
You attract models!
What type of person do you attract? Quizzes for MySpace

There's always McDonald's...

So I've always been a hard worker, and I have the most seniority of the girls in the office (only 4 of us). When the owner sold the company and the last two girls quit at the same time, my boss and I worked alone together for a few months so I am a bit protective of her. Given that, and the fact that if I constantly think about work then I don't have to deal with my mother's death since I can't be sad at home because no one in the testosterone factory can handle a woman's tears, I am quite upset at the girls at work.

The first thing I will say is that they are both PART-TIME. One can't stand being away from her teen-aged kids a full five days a week, and the other just doesn't want to work full time.

My boss is out of the country for a week and a half, and as her assistant, I am in charge FOR REAL, for the first time. The girls have been with us 6 and 7 months. They took this opportunity to tell me that the company isn't growing enough, we don't have any goals and we don't follow thru on any that we do have, and they don't think the boss can focus enough to lead us to growth. Now, in the last 9 months, we've had our company sold, my boss was promoted to President, I was promoted to Admin and learning all new things (besides the fact that I was in the office ALONE for two months and doing EVERYBODY's job, we've had a price increase, we're setting up a new website (which I have to do myself because these lazy bitches won't help me), and we've had to start legal action on an ex-employee for libel. And in our kind of business, it's not like OfficeMax taking business from Staples, it's a much bigger deal for one of our prospects to switch over.

So what do I say? Because my first reaction is to tell them, "Listen biotches, I've done all this work myself before, I can do it again, get the f*ck out!" But I don't think I would be left in charge anymore. Do I just wait until she comes back and let her handle it? I told them to write down what goals we should have, what projects they are supposed to be working on but don't understand, and how they think we should get to where we need to be. Needless to say, I didn't see either of them writing.

But this is what bothers me the most, my boss doesn't hide anything. When we lose somebody, she shares, when we get someone, she shares, any victory - she celebrates with us. I've never been at a place like that. Maybe there is a reason for that, maybe you just shouldn't share all that with all of the employees. I know that I like to be included in the decision making, even when my idea isn't used, and I love that when my idea IS used, I am praised for it and I can work at it and watch it grow.

Grow up bitches, or go to McDonald's!

Life Sentence

This is for my friends, who are contemplating. Though you think no one cares, or you don't care that they do, your hurt would be over, but you can't imagine how much worse the hurt you would cause would be. Contemplate this:

Life Sentence

Holy Tornado!

Don't know if you all have heard about the storms that hit the Chicagoland area, not just Thursday, but Friday, too (we are the chosen ones). My oldest piglet (11) was home alone & terrified, but he did have a basement. My younger (8), should have been walking home from the bus stop at this time to be home alone for 15 minutes, but he was sick that day and J hadn't gone to work, thank God!

At work, I noticed the clouds rolling in so I went outside to roll up my car windows. When I felt the first drop, I noticed huge branches flying thru the air, so I ran as fast as my fat ass could go, which amazingly went faster once the tornado sirens started blaring. A funnel cloud touched down a few miles from my work, but aside from some lights flickering, we were ok. I couldn't believe the damage, though, trees down, flooding, electricity out for days. When I got home our electric was out for about six hours, let me tell you, it was hell in the testosterone factory! No TV, no internet, no lights! We had to talk to each other!!!! After our meal of macaroni and cheese with canned green beans (couldn't use microwave or electric oven), we went J's dad's to get the lantern and flashlights out of the camping gear. Upon our return, of course, the electricity was restored.

I survived the evening, and got lost on the five-mile drive to work the next morning. Had to accidentally detour in the opposite direction because there were so many lights out and streets closed to downed trees and live wires. The storms to return on Friday were supposed to be just as bad, or worse, but they were a bit south of us so it wasn't too bad.

Click here for the SCARIEST STORM PHOTOS EVER! Well, you might not think so, but, being so close to home, they scared the shit out of me!

I LOVE IT!!!!

Food Antics and Balloons

Today is the Celebration of Life Ceremony for my mom. I cannot count how many things have gone wrong. My mom's entire life, she didn't want a funeral and she didn't tell me until a few months before she died that it was because she didn't think anyone would come. After all, no one ever came to her birthday parties, not very many people came to see her while she was dying. So I think she is trying to give me her final, "I told you so".

When she passed I had about 80 people saying they wanted to come to the memorial, I have a count of about 30 coming, her own brother not included. I had to wait until payday on Wednesday to order the food because I didn't have the money, but that was enough time. I happened to be at the bank on payday so I deposited my check at the teller instead of the cash station. When I use the cash station the money is available the next day. When my money still wasn't ready on Friday I called and found out that for some strange reason the teller put a hold on the check until Monday! They showed no reason why, I'm salary and have deposited the same check for the same amount every two weeks for a year and a half. My boss called me when she landed in Vegas for her business trip and I had just gotten off the phone with the bank and I was so upset, I told her. She told me to use her credit card. I couldn't believe it! I didn't even tell her for that reason, she is just so sweet.

On the way home from work, my cousin's girlfriend called and asked if his ex-girlfriend was coming (who is the mother of his daughter and she loved my mom very much). I said yes, so she said she is not coming. Mind you, they have been together for about three years, own a house and two cars together. She is divorced with children, so she should understand exes. The ironic thing was, there were two people that my mom told me she didn't want to go (besides my ex-husband, which was understood and agreed upon!) One was this woman, my cousin's girlfriend. She has been helpful since my mom passed and seemed to want to be part of the family, so I invited her anyway.

I don't care. I have to worry about writing a speech in four and a half hours. The minute I thought of having the memorial service I was so excited to make this speech. The closer it's come, the more I've been trying not to think about it. What can I say, "I think about her constantly, I have nightmares about her suffering and dying every night, and all my memories are about the times I've hurt her"?

But the balloon launch should be fun.

101st thing Princess

My mom died. June fifteenth. Of pancreatic cancer. It was a long, painful, and horrible death. Maybe it will make me feel better to post this. For some reason, wherever I go, I feel like telling everyone. Anyone who looks at me, I want to say, "My mom died. She's gone. I will never see her again." I know my family feels the same way, my dad actually did it on the day she died. We went shopping to keep our minds off of it, and everyone we talked to he would say, "Her mother died today." I was so shocked, and by the looks on their faces they were too, so I would say, "It was his wife." Quite the pair we made that day. But what I wanted to say was what a wonderful person she was, a wonderful mother, and I never gave her the credit she deserved. She died a horrible death, going out of her mind, not knowing where she was or who we were, babbling to someone who wasn't there as late as the day before she died. She was on enough Morphine, Haldol and Ativan to put an elephant to sleep, but her liver was so bad that it wouldn't absorb. She had bedsores all over her body, it had shut down long before her mind. The day before she died she bit down on the cotton swab I was cleaning her mouth with and cracked her tooth. It crumbled, actually. Her death was such a blessing because I had to force myself to see her that week, let alone seeing her with a second broken tooth. The first was when she had her heart attack two and a half years prior. My aunt and I shared the hospital bed next to hers, wanting to spend every second there, as if it would make up for all the wrongs we've done to her, the things we said to her, the things we should have said but didn't.

Now she visits my family, cardinals have been following them, the boys see signs that she is watching them. I only see her in my dreams, every night, watching her die over and over. Seeing her skeleton covered in skin that resembles her, but her beauty is shrouded in death. I've covered the walls and shelves with pictures of her in her twenties, to try to block the images of the past few months from my mind, but I'm unsuccessful. My mom died. June fifteenth. Of pancreatic cancer. It was long, painful, and horrible death. That is what I remember of my mother.

It's been awhile...

I've gotten a lot of emails asking how I am. What can I say? I've had a to grow up a lot, taking care of my dad, my boyfriend, my two boys. We didn't have a funeral, my mom didn't want one, but we are having a Celebration of Life Ceremony in two weeks. We are going to have a picnic and a balloon launch, and I'm going to have notes so that everyone can tie a note to their balloon if they want, the boys really like that idea. My mom's sister has had a hard time, we've been getting along great since my my mom passed, I'm sure my mom is thrilled with that. I have a new baby cousin, which has been nice to keep us occupied. When my cousin told us about it, my mom was the only one who was excited about it, because they are so young, so when I held him for the first time I cried and cried. The boys miss her, but they are doing ok, better than I thought they would. My dad has his moments, but he's doing better than I thought he would, too. My grandmother isn't doing well and doesn't have much time. I hope she holds out until after the memorial because I don't think my dad could handle that, plus I would have to reschedule.

Work has been awesome, I've learned so much and I have a lot of responsibility. My boss has complete faith in me and she asks my opinion in all decisions. It feels wonderful to have earned that trust.

I've learned that the government is giving payouts to cancer patients who lived in certain areas during the atomic bomb testing in the 50's. My mom didn't live in one of the counties "affected", however she did live next to one. I've had four people in my family receive money from this. It's amazing how this doesn't make it to the news?

I'm going to church today. I think I've been ignoring God to avoid dealing with the things I've done in the past three years, the drinking, men, and overall badness. Yes, I'm bad. And I don't say that in terms of what the Bible says is bad (I've done plenty of that), but the things that I try to block from my memory out of shame.

I hope to be back because it does make me feel so much better to vent my feelings, and I miss all of you, but the testosterone in this house is overwhelming, including the dog. It's like having quints all in diapers.

Love ya!