Saturday, November 24, 2007

I wanted to post a comment I made on someone's site. I don't usually do that, but it is for you all:

I don't think I realized how much I've learned about myself, how to care for other people, or how much you have all helped me in the past two and half years, until I posted this comment. I'm sure part of my growth was the loss of mom, but having people checking on me even when I haven't posted in six months or more, I can't explain how awesome that feels. We are all so different, but linked by these dreadful, sometimes dibilitating diseases. Some of you are so intelligent that I look like a moron when I post, but you don't care. Some are poor, some are not, some with loving families, some not so much. Even when I'm so low that I can't post, I can still go to your blogs, still get your emails. It sounds so stupid, but blogland has been such a blessing, and may have saved my life. You guys are awesome! I don't get online much because we are reduced to DIAL-UP, but I think about you all often.

Thanksgiving was hard without my mom. J has been unusually cheery for the past week, came to my family's for Thanksgiving and completely rearranged the house and decorated for Christmas. He is finally working - thank God! Although, I think I would rather work and let him be the housewife, and I think it would have worked if I didn't tell him that. I guess young men in their 20's don't like being called a housewife - go figure.

The piglets are good. They are getting along great and seemed to have matured since my mom passed. Little pig is doing great in school. Bigger one is not doing great, but he's trying more. Both are really active in church now and loving it, I'm very thankful for that. I still have nightmares about my mom's death every night. More like the dying part.

I don't know why it didn't occur to me before, but I was thinking about my dad, and I had assumed he felt the same I did because it is the same person we are missing. But, growing up, we pretty much expect to outlive our parents. We hope they will will longer than 52, but in the back of our minds we know that we will someday be without them. This was his wife. He expected to grow old with her. He's planned to watch my kids graduate and get married and hopefully see their children. He never expected to do that without her. I remember when I was first married I would never let the thought of losing my husband enter my mind, it was too terrifying.

Since my mom died, taking care of my dad, J, and the piglets, on top of my responsibilities at work growing daily, and trying to find time for myself even to get to church, has been so overwhelming. I've felt so sorry for myself to the point of pushing everyone away. But realizing this on Thanksgiving, and watching my aunt cook dinner & trying to make everything nice for everyone but wishing her sister were there for her, I realized that we don't all feel the same. I am young and I still have my kids to watch grow, maybe J and I will get married some day. My dad feels totally alone. My aunt has lost a sister and brother, as well as her parents. I guess I don't feel so sorry for myself anymore.